Do you get the impression that your appliances are judging you? I do. On a daily basis, I feel their little beadie artificial intelligence eyes staring and judging.

Here are the 5 devices that give me the most regular side eye.

1. Alexa. She doesn’t understand my accented German and she never does what I ask from her. Is Alexa actually a racist? Probably.
2. The TV. Yes, I am still watching. Yes, I have not moved for 4 hours. Yes, that is my perogative. I have food and I am happy under my blanket. Cool it with the judgy “Are you still watching?” bollocks.
3. My toothbrush. I mean it actually gives me a frowny face when I haven’t done the required 2 minutes. I get bored standing there doing nothing. Is that a crime against dentistry? Apparently it is.
4. The fridge. Here I am, bathing in it’s anti-hot-flush glory or trying to decide if cheese or chocolate are the next thing in my face and the bloody judgy thing starts beeping at me. WTF! Have some empathy! I am menopausal, hot, hungry and angry. Do not mess with me. I will unplug your ass.
5. The washing machine. Maybe there is a “stop beeping” option but I haven’t found it. The “I’m finished, pay me attention” beeping never stops. It beeps for hours and hours and hours, forcing me off the couch into the scary out-of-couch world. And what if I get the Netflix notification when I get up to stop the Miele beep. Do I get kicked off the TV? Is this a conspiracy?

And don’t get me started on the printer, the screen, the phone charger and anything else that shines all night like a bloody disco, reminding me that I am sleeping WAY too much.

Did I miss your most judgy appliance? Let’s compare notes!